We live in a world where people are constantly communicating through euphemism and innuendo.    At the dinner table when you want the salt down at your end you’re much more likely to say “Could you pass the salt?” or “If you could pass the salt that would be great!” or another variant, but certainly not “Please pass the salt.”  When we have to piss we say “Excuse me, I need to use the restroom.” or “I need to powder my nose.” but never “I’m going to piss now.”  Why is this?  Why must we constantly speak around our purpose?  Seeing as there is no ambiguity about what’s being said, can’t we just agree that we’d be better off being honest?

Nowhere is this soft language more drizzled with fake poetry and non-communication than in greeting cards.  So here’s my proposal: The Honest Greeting Card Company.  Manufacturers of fine greeting cards that say what everyone knows you’re thinking.  Here’s a few ideas:

To your Beloved on your anniversary:Picture 3

On the birthday of an acquaintance:Picture 10To celebrate a marriage:Picture 5

For the Holidays:Picture 8Picture 6Picture 2And finally, to your beloved for no reason at all:Picture 9Now it has crossed my mind that this is not in fact what people are really thinking but just what I’m thinking.  If that’s the case then I’m simply fighting hyperbole with hyperbole.  We can all agree that violets aren’t blue, they’re Violet.  We already have a name for that colour!  There has to be a middle ground between the sarcasm and vitriol in my mind and the pablum in todays cards.  The truth is, I don’t understand cards at all.  I have always felt that saying something is much more meaningful than having hallmark think it up for you and print it next to a picture of kittens or roses or whatever.  But if we absolutely have to share our feelings with sparkles and flowers and sweeping cursive fonts, at least we should speak our minds.

Thanks to my friend Sean for brainstorming the idea.  You’re my business partner when the Honest Greeting Card Company gets off the ground.  Also don’t forget to comment, follow, share, like, tweet, dig, flam, or whatever else the kids are doing these days.

To my readers: share your own honest greeting card ideas in the comments below!

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